Well hello again. Well, it seems that I must once again fall into my apologetic rant for not having written for a while. Oh, but the joy it would bring me to have the time to write...and not just to doodle some thoughts on a page, but I'd like to actually have the time to write and re-write and then to truly think about the craft of writing as I did in my college years. Heck, I'd like to take on my old hobbies. There was a time when I used to paint, to draw, to crochet...I loved to express myself creatively. Lately, my main creative outlet is figuring out which side streets I can take to get to work on time (cringe).
I've been admitting this to myself for some time now. I'm burnt out. I've poured my heart and soul into my work and, fulfilling as it is, I've lost a part of myself. Now, granted, this is quite the first-world problem. And, in fact, I've truly come to appreciate how fortunate I am to even be able to say that this is my main problem. I am so fortunate to have options. And, by options, I mean having the ability to choose what kind of life I can (more or less) live. I have the possibility of embarking upon the extravagant endeavor of creating a better life for myself. Not many people can say this. I've come to realize that most people out there who are bitter and miserable never had a choice. Most people start off with lofty dreams, but most of those people are forced to downsize, or push aside altogether, those dreams at the expense of merely making ends meet. I think of the image of an overworked, middle-aged person slaving through the daily drudgery of some suburban reality to provide for her family instead of living out her dreams. This is, all too often, a generic life story (albeit a tragic one). And the thought of this being my story terrifies me.
I wrote a blog almost a year ago discussing this idea, and I mentioned the fact that I realized that I was not living up to what my teenaged self would have imagined. I realized that I had been talking about Romania to the tune of a broken record without actually taking any measures to make that dream a reality. And, as I approach the next decade of my life, I've realized that the time really is now. If I don't do it, no one will do it for me. So, yes, I concluded almost a year ago that I would take action. I'll admit, I wrote that blog entry more so to commit myself to action than I did to inform anyone of any concrete plan. At the heart of that entry was the fear that I might succumb to my fear of change and the threat of instability. However, the idea of my life story being about unfulfilled dreams was a terrifying one. I read an aphorism at some point in my early school days that went something like this: You will regret the things you didn't do far more than you will regret the things you did do. It's always been in the back of my mind. I don't want to lie on my deathbed with regrets. I don't want the best stories to be those fictive tales I teach to my English classes, and I certainly don't like the idea that my life has already reached some sort of peak as far as adventures go. Thus, I am excited to announce that I've finally done it. I have gone forth in the direction of my dreams. I am finally moving to Romania.
If you personally know me, you will know that I've toyed with the theory of this idea for like fifteen years. I've played out the ensuing conversations in my head hundreds of times, but, this time, it's for real. S and I (and our beloved dog Gatsby) are moving in the summer. I have officially informed my employers that this year is my last and I am in the process of figuring out a contract for my next job in the city of my birth - Bucharest. And, what's more? Four boxes full of my precious earthly possessions are making their way across the Atlantic as I'm writing these words. Excuse my French, but the shit just got real. Is it frightening? Absolutely! Though I've travelled to Europe every year for the last twenty years, I've never actually lived there, nor have I ever truly given up the comforts of home. It's scary to think about how difficult it may be to adjust. But, I'd probably be a big hypocrite if I didn't try to expand my horizons. Will I fit in? I don't know. There are many unknowns, and I can only hope that things will turn out well. Though I have my apprehensions, the idea of taking on this adventure is exhilarating in so many ways. I'm throwing myself into a sea of unknowns, but I cannot wait to see what these new adventures will have in store. Stay tuned.
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