I've been thinking retrospectively a lot lately, I'm sure most people do so at this age. The other day I found my old iPod and I charged it for the first time in like six years. I had forgotten about most of the music that I had on there, but it was so interesting to listen to it again. (I was also reminded of the painful experience of wearing earbuds)
One of the songs that I listened to was "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. I listened to that song a lot when I was a teenager because, naturally as a youngster, I thought a lot about what my life would turn out to be. A couple of years later, I can say that a lot of the uncertainty has cleared up (though there's plenty left). It was nice to remember a time when the slate was completely blank and I could write absolutely anything on the empty pages of my life. I've got more sense of direction now as I've started a family and am slowly gaining full independence and taking a definitive path in life. It's nice to have a clearer idea of what my life will be, but at the same time, I still appreciate the unknowns. It's nice to have surprises, I think I would be very unhappy to know exactly what my days would be like day in and day out. So, I guess I'm in a good place right now.
I'm currently literally working on my last two days of college at UCLA and then it's off to a new chapter in a new city. My husband and I will be moving to Chicago in the fall where I'll start graduate school at the University of Chicago. I've never been to Chicago, but the idea of going to a new city and meeting new people and experiencing different things is very exciting while also a bit nerve-racking. But, all in all, it's nice to not know what the future holds. It's nice to dream and it's nice to take things in as they come. That's actually rather new for me. When I was younger, like in high school, I used to be very obsessed with knowing all of the details of my future and I always was meticulously planning my trajectories--now, however, I've been consciously trying to live more in the moment and less in the future or in the past. It works sometimes, but it's very hard to do since the reality of the future is always pulling my attention away from the present and the memories from the past are also calling for attention.
But I want to enjoy whatever life I have left to live. I would like to think that when I die, I'll be ready…or at least as ready as I can be. I'm reminded of something Henry David Thoreau wrote - "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." (Or something like that). The truth in that short idea is very sharp in my mind since I think I started seeing people leading lives of quiet desperation very early on. Whenever I'd read books with adventurous protagonists, I always thought that each person had some sort of metaphorical "book"that they were the protagonists of --but the truth is that most people in life are never more than just secondary characters unless gargantuan efforts are made toward the metaphorical "writing" of their said books.
I don't think I'm far off in describing life as a "flash"--of light, of sound, whatever. Many say it goes by quickly, I don't think I've ever heard anybody complain that life moved too slowly. So, knowing that, we ought to latch onto life as much as possible before it completely slips away. I think I constantly feel this desperate urge to do things. I'm a very jumpy person generally - I hate idleness. I generally hate it when people say things like, "let's do this later or someday" or "you have time for that" or "you have the rest of your life" or "you're too young for that" etc. etc. Honestly, aren't all those people saying "you have time" hypocrites? No one really has time. We can die RIGHT NOW. (Ok yeah, that was a bit dramatic) But, honestly, we might just not have time to find love, to listen to our favorite song one more time, to read that book we've been meaning to read, to tell people we love them again, or even to just see some people ever again. Whoever said that "the time is now" was right on. We…ok I shouldn't speak for all of humanity…but I at least strongly want to learn to live without taking time for granted. I want to find the ability to breathe in every moment as it plays out, I want to find the courage to tell people how I feel before it's too late, I want to find the maturity to really say what should be said instead of shying away from sounding sentimental, and I want to finally learn that risks not taken will bring more regret than any stupid decision will ever bring.
So, let's see how this works out. I'm curious to see where the future will lead me, and the world, and people, and the sky, and the moon, and etc.
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